(From our Tass and Isvestia Bureaus in Stalingrad )
The former Washington, now Stalingrad after the landslide reelection of President Sanders last year, is celebrating the nation’s old-style birthday in the now traditional way of torturing kulaks, feeding Christians to the emaciated animals at the DC People’s Zoo, and recalling the glorious ascension of Dear Leader and Exemplar Statesman Sanders to office. His elevation was after the previous two centuries-plus occasional rule of desiccated sexist reactionaries, though well-dressed, racist capitalists otherwise known as Republicans.
After her mandatory, by Democratic (wink, nudge) Socialist Party edicts, reelection sex-change operation, President Bernice is sporting a stylish retro pink bouffant hairstyle for the day. For a 124-year-old communist, she is a total babe! Ga-rowl!
The festivities come as our brave troops are still mopping up the remnants of the fascist so-called “resistance” in the hinterlands and small hamlets of the former USA. The bandits and Wall Street gangsters who lead the rag-tag militia only control every single state in the former Union except California, New York, and the District of Chernenko.
But they have not been able to overcome our steadfast defense of the Acela Line, linking the freedom fighters of the Upper West Side of Manhattan with the noble warriors of DC’s Kalorama and U Street by a vital corridor of iced latte shops and hookah emporiums.
The situation remains tense, as our loving leaders understand well.
“Trump City, the rebel capitol, has cruelly refused to negotiate by sending their overabundant foodstuffs to the poor starving millions of Stalingrad,” commented Vice President for All and Sundry Life and Death Matters Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, following her third serving of Lobster Thermidor at the White House dining room.
After the 2024 election, when Dear Leader was elected in a massive millennial voter turnout by promising free Hello Kitty backpacks to all citizens, Friend of the Worker Number Two AOC was elevated to the high office of Official Keeper of the Presidential Drool Bucket. She quickly ascended in the new order to Federal Reminder of the Executive Nap Time and Most Beloved Taster of the Chief Magisterial Gruel. She was appointed to her present position after the “Weekend at Bernie’s” incident during the first term.
In a similar note, reports out of the rebel provinces tell of a massacre of anyone who ever responded with the terms “MAGA,” “Trump 2020” or “Fake News” when faced with a question non-germane to those terms or a sentence slightly critical of the former U.S. president. It is a move that has been roundly applauded by virtual acclamation on both sides of the intra-American border, and internationally, as merely a form of advanced pesticide.
In foreign news, Commissar R. Susk (inside joke), our assigned Plenipotentiary reports another rebuff in the socialist international campaign to strengthen diplomatic relations with Portugal. Lisbon is the only government that still maintains state ties with the United Socialist Republic of America after the highly unfortunate Battle of Montauk. In the martial showdown the entire recently-purged USRA military was embarrassingly bested in twelve minutes by two Canadian fishing trawlers and an unarmed Boy Scout Troop from the more effete suburbs of Toronto.
The conflict, over naming rights to an endangered species of badger, will proceed until the Portuguese send us submarines and we agree to send them a language that actually contains consonants.
And finally, we have the socialist duty to report that this is the last issue of our Tass and Isvestia column, as we have been prosecuted under the Possessing a Sense of Humor of Any Kind Suppression Act of 2026. We are currently awaiting transport to a harsh but scenic reeducation camp in McLean, VA.
Lenin have mercy on our souls.