Northern Border at Risk by…Dodgeball?

Oh, sure, while our eyes are fixed on our leaky southern border our brain-frozen Canadian neighbors have been up to something.

Securing the northern radar line from electronic infiltration? Nope. How about a seal-clubbing expedition just for the hell of it? Nah, they’ve been there and done that. Okay, quarantining Celine Dion for the good of all mankind? If only.

No, their college profs have decided that the childhood game of dodgeball is “unethical” because “it displays hierarchies of privilege based on athletic skill” and is therefore “a tool of oppression.” So says their National Post, a publication apparently staffed by three salmon and a rather confused beaver. In their profound journalistic wisdom they found this item, from an academic conference, newsworthy and deserving of sympathetic coverage.

Well, you say, you’re reporting on it, huh smart guy!

Uh, no. I’m doing what I usually do, taking leftist absurdities and making fun of them. Thus the standards attendant to an actual paper of note do not pertain to me on a general basis. In more eloquent terms, “Yeah, so?”

Yup, the hosers are serious. Dodgeball will turn your average eight-grade boy into a raving misogynistic racist monster, they claim. Can it be just a game where you get to steal a march on the unaware kids in imitation of real life and thus impart a realistic, if stark, education to the little brats?

Guess not. Maybe tundra is too slippery for them to really get into it.

I mean, remember in gym when you caught that one scraggly kid off in his own world and, as you nailed him with a dodgeball the texture and heft of a small asteroid, his glasses flew off to general acclaim? Aside from the slinky-like neck movement when you hit someone with your bumper car at just the right angle (usually, after you revved up speed, at the outward edge of the left rear fender), there are few warmer and more truly inspiring moments in all of childhood.


The basic problem with dodgeball, according to the professors (for professors, see above reference to scraggly kid in glasses) is that it teaches kids to “aggressively single others out for dominance.”

As does school, work, and generally as does life in the real adult world outside of the confines of a coddled faculty lounge. So it would do these Canadian academics well to stay cloistered at Dudley Do-Right Polytechnic or the Molson University and Underage Beermart. Venturing down into the lower forty-eight may not be their best course of action. Not to mention the risk to American border security by letting their possibly contagious low testosterone carcasses anywhere near Buffalo or Maine.

For who knows?

Somebody, by looking at the profs the wrong way, might “oppress” them.

The opinions expressed here by contributors are their own and are not the view of OpsLens which seeks to provide a platform for experience-driven commentary on today's trending headlines in the U.S. and around the world. Have a different opinion or something more to add on this topic? Contact us for guidelines on submitting your own experience-driven commentary.
David Kamioner

A veteran of service with US Army Intelligence, the Pershing Nuclear Brigade, and the First Infantry Division, Kamioner is a graduate of the University of Maryland’s European Division and spent over twenty years as a political consultant, college instructor, non-profit director, and corporate PR director. He hails from New York City and grew up in South Florida. He served with the American Red Cross as part of the relief effort for Hurricanes Katrina and Rita in 2005 and Hurricane Sandy in 2012. For several years he ran homeless shelters, most recently homeless shelters for US military veterans. He currently is a Senior Contributor for OpsLens.com, a writer for American Greatness, and has been published in LifeZette. He is the author of the novel "Prisoner of the Chattering Class" and lives in Annapolis, Maryland.

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