Politics

The Attack of the Colonial Cauliflower

The growing consensus that AOC is actually a GOP undercover operative was heading to confirmation last week when the amazing, in the specific definition of the word, Bronx Congressita with the helium-infused larynx claimed that growing cauliflower in NYC urban gardens was “colonial.”

She prefers people grow more progressive and “culturally significant” plants like yuca for consumption. That yuca would not grow in New York’s brisk seasonal climate seems to have escaped her notice.

No, for real.

Now, where to begin the snark?

Really, you never know with this chick because the whole of her pronouncements are so batty that they defy logical sequence. But I guess we’ll start with the subject she and her cohorts are obsessed by: Color.

How can she champion yuca when it is internally white? It is clearly not a vegetable of color. The rumor in the veggie plot is that yuca conspires with other white vegetables like cauliflower (a salad staple that heretofore has cleverly confused AOC by being, well, by just being a thing) to live in separate sections of gardens where des legumes of darker hue and underprivileged status are discouraged from growing.

Yuca has even mounted cis-veg attacks on innocent leafy edibles of alternate soil orientations that practice “homovegitality,” part of the HVGTL range of modern produce lifestyles so prevalent in our nation’s chic eateries and largest Whole Food stores.

Fie on thee yuca, evil pale oppressor of kale and arugula. Fie!

AOC went on to say, after she emptied her spittle bucket, that it is important to grow plants that are “culturally familiar to the community.” In the Bronx that would be the “crack addict plant,” the “unsolved murder plant,” and the “terrifyingly large rat plant.”

When pressed for a description of the corrupt colonial cauliflower, AOC hand drew a picture of the vegetable attired in knee breeches and a powdered wig. When gently told that plants do not wear clothes or hairpieces she claimed “they emotionally do” and accused Republicans in Congress of “ending all vegetation on the planet in sixteen hours…no, twelve weeks…no, eight full moons, no,…”

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David Kamioner

A veteran of service with US Army Intelligence, the Pershing Nuclear Brigade, and the First Infantry Division, Kamioner is a graduate of the University of Maryland’s European Division and spent over twenty years as a political consultant, college instructor, non-profit director, and corporate PR director. He hails from New York City and grew up in South Florida. He served with the American Red Cross as part of the relief effort for Hurricanes Katrina and Rita in 2005 and Hurricane Sandy in 2012. For several years he ran homeless shelters, most recently homeless shelters for US military veterans. He currently is a Senior Contributor for OpsLens.com, a writer for American Greatness, and the Editorial Director of This Week in the News with Drew Berquist. He is the author of the novel "Prisoner of the Chattering Class" and lives in Annapolis, Maryland.

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