Pelosi Isn’t Drunk, She Suffers From PSTD

Many of you have seen the video (8:30 into the Dobbs cut). I have. In it Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi seemingly slurs her words, makes weird incoherent gestures, and generally comes off as I used to when I was 19 years old and had just spent a mescal-fueled weekend in a moderately priced Tijuana bordello.

Now there are those who say the video is real and those who claim it is fake. I am no tech expert and thus couldn’t definitively tell you either way. Though, back when I was a GOP media gunslinger in the Mid-Atlantic —no, not in the Sargasso Sea— we could do wonders with an AVID console and a bit of malicious whimsy. So it is definitely possible here the whole thing is contrived. If so, the wags have done well, as we are talking about it.

But I have another, more kind, explanation.

Yes, we have not been at all nice to Speaker Pelosi in this space. We have trashed her ideas, ridiculed her lack of integrity, and otherwise made sport of her underwhelming intellectual mien.

Well, we reform our evil ways. We ask instead you look to a clinical reason, far out of the control of the Speaker, to explain her erratic behavior. That reason is that she is tragically suffering from PSTD: Pathological Socialist Traumatic Disorder.

The consensus of the five imaginary psychiatrists I have consulted define PSTD as “the reaction of the human psyche to the unending misery and bed-wetting moral cowardice that is socialism. As such, when a strained mind refuses to process any more infantile leftism, a boomerang trauma takes place where the few remaining logical synapses of the sufferer inwardly rebel. Thus the patient has trouble further expressing socialist concepts in a cogent fashion. Instead, adult and intelligent ideals try to make themselves apparent. This results in a very amusing cognitive dissonance, comical speech impediments, and highly mockable motor skills impairment.”

A further completely fictitious tape of a Pelosi presser has been released that seems to confirm the diagnosis. Just a minute, let me retrieve it by asking Gerald, my trained, yet surly, palomino unicorn to fetch it.

Ah, here it is. The audio reads, “Urrrrrrr…sloooorb…nygitttttt… econo..mics..doesn’t..worrrrk here…muuuust…read Adaaaam Smith… programming error…error…error…” After that point she dissolves into tears, clutching a dog-eared copy of Das Kapital and dialing an uninterested 911 operator for emotional support.

The sole known treatment for PSTD is a graduate degree in economics from the University of Chicago circa 1980 or to be pistol-whipped by a largely inebriated Walter Williams, while Arthur Laffer looks on with unrestrained gimpish glee.

Only when federal funding is directed towards total eradication of this modern scourge will the cognitive shroud be lifted from our nation’s mentally most disadvantaged, the Democratic Party, and can they once again spew out the ahistorical nonsense that has come to define their every waking syllable including the words “a” and “the.”

A gracious and humanitarian nation can do no less.

Ok, we could do a lot less. And given that Nancy is presently pretty funny in the schadenfreude sense. Ergo…

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David Kamioner

A veteran of service with US Army Intelligence, the Pershing Nuclear Brigade, and the First Infantry Division, Kamioner is a graduate of the University of Maryland’s European Division and spent over twenty years as a political consultant, college instructor, non-profit director, and corporate PR director. He hails from New York City and grew up in South Florida. He served with the American Red Cross as part of the relief effort for Hurricanes Katrina and Rita in 2005 and Hurricane Sandy in 2012. For several years he ran homeless shelters, most recently homeless shelters for US military veterans. He currently is a Senior Contributor for OpsLens.com, a writer for American Greatness, and has been published in LifeZette. He is the author of the novel "Prisoner of the Chattering Class" and lives in Annapolis, Maryland.

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