Depressed Beto Loses Grip Over Bad Breakup

You can see it. The former congressman lies sniffling into his Little Mermaid pillow, a crumpled up ripped out magazine picture of Pete Buttigieg next to him. His heiress wife tries to console him, “Robert, it’s gonna be okay. Robert…”

“It’s Beto, dammit! Beto…,” as his fey voice trails off into soft whimpering.

The object of his lonely heart is the loss of love of a good number of Dem primary voters. Their new poster boy for Tiger Beat adulation? Yup, the Rhodes Scholar, war vet, and oh soooo dreamy to Dems male-spoused mayor of South Bend (I will refrain from the obvious “south bend” jokes), Indiana.

So in his fevered desperation to reclaim his fan base, what does Beto do? Monday, he indulges in the almost fifty-year-old End of the World ecoscam. In the 70s, Paul Ehrlich said the time was nigh for global catastrophe. Then Al Gore repeated it twenty years ago. AOC says twelve. Now O’Rourke says “ten years” are left to humanity if we don’t take his advice on climate change.

Can I get eight? Going once, twice…

Now, we know it must be tough for him to ruminate that just weeks ago he was on the cover of Vanity Fair. Tearfully, that was before that new kid from the sticks showed up in homeroom, hogging all the attention automatically given to precious and sensitive types in the dark inner precincts of Dem politics.

But to get to a point where your grip on objective reality becomes so tenuous you trot out old weather porn without diverting your attention from your own image in the mirror long enough to see that we’re still here? Yes, even after the same dire prognostications were first bandied about since the days pet rocks were in vogue, the planet survives.

The poor lad is indeed at that point. What can be done for him?

Perhaps a new hat, a nice one with feathers and flowers? Changing his shade of toenail polish? Oh, I know! He’s from Texas. He may like football. He could buy a ticket to an upcoming UTex Longhorns gridiron match to take the pressure off from the fall campaign season.

As long as they’re not playing Notre Dame…sniff…snarfle…yeah, not Notre Dame.

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David Kamioner

A veteran of service with US Army Intelligence, the Pershing Nuclear Brigade, and the First Infantry Division, Kamioner is a graduate of the University of Maryland’s European Division and spent over twenty years as a political consultant, college instructor, non-profit director, and corporate PR director. He hails from New York City and grew up in South Florida. He served with the American Red Cross as part of the relief effort for Hurricanes Katrina and Rita in 2005 and Hurricane Sandy in 2012. For several years he ran homeless shelters, most recently homeless shelters for US military veterans. He currently is a Senior Contributor for OpsLens.com, a writer for American Greatness, and has been published in LifeZette. He is the author of the novel "Prisoner of the Chattering Class" and lives in Annapolis, Maryland.

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