By Thomas Armbruster:
It seems the big money is in fake news. Here I’ve been researching facts, checking sources, and scrupulously double checking information while you, dear reader, want fake news. OK!
HILLARY CLINTON JOINS THE ROLLING STONES AS LEAD DRUMMER:
With Stones drummer Bill Wyman retiring, Hillary Clinton has decided to take her show on the road. “Look, she told Variety magazine, “I can’t get no satisfaction in politics, so I’m going to do what I love, bang them drums, hang with Mick and the boys and unwind.” Bill Clinton, a longtime secret roadie for the Stones says he is delighted with the move and can’t wait for the next tour.
BERNIE SANDERS NEW CEO OF MORGAN STANLEY: Bernie Sanders, former Democratic candidate for President has accepted the position of CEO of Morgan Stanley investments. Mr. Sanders issued a statement saying “You know socialism, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’d like a red convertible, some new bling, and maybe a red hairpiece. I’m looking at oil stocks, banking and the commodity sector. I’m sensing some real upside growth in these areas and look forward to capitalizing.” When asked if he was “selling out to the Man,” Bernie Sanders said simply, “I am the Man.”
PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP NAMES MISS AMERICA SAVVY SHIELDS AS SECRETARY OF STATE: “Savvy has all of the qualifications.” The President-elect said. “She has experience as a “goodwill ambassador” and her talent is jazz dance and jazz is the quintessential American art form. She will be a perfect top diplomat for America. Besides, her personal platform issue is ‘Eat Better. Live Better.’ “That sounds like America to me,” said an ebullient Trump. Ms. Shields said her first priority will be peace.
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT PUTIN BUYS THE NEW YORK YANKEES: “I’ve had love-hate relationship with America for long time,” Putin said, “I would like very much to bomb the hell out of America someday, but I can’t pull the trigger as long as America is home to baseball. This year’s World Series with the Cubs reminded me of how much I love game. Baseball and Moose and Squirrel, three great things about America. I think I can take the Yankees all the way next year. We win big. Then maybe, I bomb America.”
ISIS LEADERS TAKE UP MINDFULNESS TRAINING, SHIFT STRATEGY: ISIS leaders have completed a 30 day mindfulness program and have decided to move on to yoga and aromatherapy to “infuse our movement with an awareness of the upper realms of reality incorporating cosmic empathy into every move we make.” Sting has signed on as an unpaid advisor to ISIS and says the group is making some progress, although he has had to take away their AK-47’s from time to time when they get “unfocused.”
CALIFORNIA BECOMES CHINA’S 35th PROVINCE: Governor Jerry Brown, saying “it was just a matter of time anyway,” has turned California over to the People’s Republic of China. Governor Brown said he will be referred to as “Mr. Provincial Governor.” Brown added, “It’s not really a big deal, you know Washington is a long way away and Beijing is a long way away. I don’t know, I just wanted to change it up a little bit.” Washington State and Oregon are also reportedly considering their options, but both have expressed interest in joining South Korea, “mainly because of K-Pop,” but will remain in the Union until a referendum can be held.
NEW YORK TIMES ADDS COMICS AND GOSSIP SECTION: All the news that’s fit to print will add all the color cartoons that fit as well. Times Publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger Jr. said “Nancy” cracks me up and I can’t really get through the week without knowing what Beetle Bailey is up to!” The cartoons will run on page one. “The truth is,” Sulzberger Jr. said, “our readers haven’t really read the news since 1952 and the advent of television. Sure, they look at the headlines, but for the most part our readers are not really looking for a challenging read, they are just looking for something to look at it. It could be a news article or it could be a potato. Nobody remembers yesterday’s news. So, why not run some cartoons and get some tongues wagging with a gossip section. Who knows, maybe we’ll even add a horoscope. It’s a new day. By the way, for Scorpios, today is a good day for wearing unmatched socks, walking to work, and enjoying the sunset with a friend.”
In other fake news, President-elect Trump and Political Adversary Mitt Romney Bury the Hatchet and Make Up…” Oh, wait a minute…
Thomas Armbruster is an OpsLens Contributor and former U.S. Ambassador to the Republic of the Marshall Islands. In his long career as an American diplomat, Thomas Armbruster served as the Consul General at the U.S. Consulate General in Vladivostok, Russia, Deputy Chief of Mission at the U.S. Embassy in Tajikistan, Principal Officer at the U.S. Consulate General in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, Political Affairs Officer and Nuclear Affairs Officer at the U.S. Embassy in Moscow, Russia; and Vice Consul at the U.S. Interests Section in Havana, Cuba. Prior to joining the Foreign Service, he was a reporter for the CBS affiliate KGMB-TV in Hawaii. Mr. Armbruster holds a B.A. from McDaniel College, an M.A. from St. Mary’s University, and an M.S. from the Naval War College.